Aren’t you tired? I know I am…I’m tired of pretending everything is alright.
Stay tuned because after this, I know I can help you stop pretending. I’m going to break it down, and tell you how up until now, I’ve been faking fine:
“All the how are you’s?, followed by I’m good… All of those responses were simply reassurances that they wouldn’t have to ask much further. I could sense it was the time they didn’t have; casual talk just to make sure the acquaintanceship was maintained. That’s what is real. And really how I’ve felt, not good at all, because this buildup has created me to have breakdowns. Mixtures of feeling overlooked, being taken advantage of, not being heard. I hear everyone else opening up, crying out ‘I’m hurting’ and somehow help is on the way for them. Where is my rescuer? Who has ever tried to be there for me and understand? I’ve shown my heart to others but yet they couldn’t take the time to just sit down and LISTEN… Listen…not hearing. Hearing is pretty much tied to asking me how I am, it’s when they don’t have the time. Sit down and really dig deep. Everyone seems to think I’m so closed up, but I’m really not. I just require a little extra assurance that I know you’re going to try to understand. I haven’t been good for a while, but I put on a smile in hopes to hide it from those who simply couldn’t do anything with it. Yes I’m good, go on your way, because you won’t be willing to offer what I need. I’m not okay, but apparently the tears that I’ve cried, you have seen. I don’t understand why you overlooked. But that goes to prove my point…you couldn’t offer what I needed. Just a little extra effort. A little extra work. Honestly, it’s all assurance. Keep pushing, because that’s all I want to do is open up. It’s a test though, to see how in tune you will stay, then I can determine if I can trust you. Will you, though? That’s all I can say.”
It’s taken me over 5 years to finally open up about how I’ve felt. Transparency… that is a hard word to swallow. I’ve only know a few people that have been able to express themselves openly about what they’re going through. Some spoke, some wrote it out. Well, to me, both of those were impossible because I felt like I had walls guarding my mouth from speaking. Was it fear? Most certainly, if it wasn’t, I would have been able to speak about this a whole lot sooner. I have been wanting to write out my heart for a few months now, but it was broken for a time. Even writing in a journal made me feel like I would have the memory of the pain all over paper. It doesn’t make sense to most people. Though for me faking fine has been a stronghold. It wasn’t until I started reading a book that began to open my eyes about what I was going through. I will list it at the end of this post.
I’ve been fighting transparency for years. And kind of how I wrote above, it’s been because of people. I haven’t been too sure if people would care to know if I was certainly hurting. I mean, I cried in church at the altar and I saw everyone around me being embraced…but me. I would tell others I wasn’t doing okay and they seemed to think that was a cue not to respond. It was frustrating for years because I grew so angry. The end conclusion: no one cares. I am not going to try and open up when all they do is never offer support. That became the cause of a rejected spirit and the walls stayed up for quite some time. I couldn’t process trust anymore, and deep down I wanted to.
But, I feel all that is changing now because I’m learning how to be more transparent now. I experienced anxiety for a while there but I’m so finished with it. I don’t want to suffer from that anymore. The only way I’ve learned to get help from it is guidance and lament with God. Transparency is NOT a bad things.
I recently started reading this book called No More Faking Fine by Esther Fleece, so obviously that’s what inspired the title. Esther sheds so much light on her experiences of feeling rejected when she was younger and how she built up walls that eventually led her further and further from God. As I was reading she mentioned a word lament that happens to be a prayer. Esther explained that lament is “a prayer woven throughout Scripture, but more than a prayer, it is the unexpected pathway to true intimacy with God.” All of that to say, we can have real talk with God through lament. After reading that, I went to my room in a little bit of fear. This book is telling me it’s okay to be open with God, but how far can I go? I always thought questioning God with “Why me?” and other of sort wasn’t okay. I thought God would be mad if I was to question His sovereignty and His plans. How wrong was I….as I sat there, I began to just pray. With a week that consisted of having a few breakdowns, I just cried. I told God how I didn’t understand why I was abandoned. I didn’t understand why I was left, why it feels like no one wants to check in with me when I’m going through things. Every possible thing that came to mind I just released. I still felt resistance as I began opening myself up to vulnerability.
All of these walls I had built up, I said I wouldn’t trust anyone because people weren’t trustworthy. At times, I wished there was an exact cloned version of me that could be my best friend and the one I could trust. Another version of me I know wouldn’t disappoint me. Anyways, as I resisted praying/lamenting anymore of my feelings, I felt as if God wanted me to step out just a little more in boldness; simply by crying, expressing my thoughts even more in detail, saying exacting how I felt instead of tip toeing around the issue. The release was…amazing. No condemnation, God didn’t strike me with lightning because I told him EXACTLY how I felt. He embraced me, grieved with me, but above all comforted me.
So again, I want to ask, are you tired? Are you full of fear and doubt? Have you carried a rejected spirit around with you? God sees that in you, precious child of God. He understands your pain. Rest in that, if you cannot rest in anything else.
Scripture says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” (Proverbs 4:23). We are to guard our hearts from allowing certain things in. But the Bible is not telling us to be guarded up against the world. It’s telling us to keep our heart guarded from evil and ungodly things.
Rejection is not lurking around every corner…and as hard as it is to believe, people are not always out to get us. It took me a long while to grasp that concept. But the more I pulled back from people, the harder it is to open up because you are so drowned with fear. The moment I became honest with God, first off, I was able to be honest with others. I told them how I was really doing. I stopped hiding the pain, and opened up to allow God to come in. He proved to be trustworthy. I knew He wasn’t going to be the one to hurt me as people have. And that’s the last point I want to make. The more you begin putting up walls, the further you are going to distance yourself up from God and other people; don’t mind other people so much. Because if God is the way you are so far away from, there’s a problem. You won’t be able to have that comfort in your life. I encourage you to begin reading Psalms and Proverbs and just allow God’s love to surround you. Get you a journal, create a blog or even get a voice recorder where you can be completely honest about what you are going through. Get it out of your heart somehow. Find your transparency. Focus on pouring out in prayer, don’t worry about praying perfection. Lament, cry, scream, whatever you need to do; but be open with God, because after you do you’ll experience such a release. Finally, you’ll feel like you don’t have to have it all together. We have an all perfect God, so we don’t have to play that role that is already His. Just come to Him….And don’t let the lies creep in that you cannot say what you feel, because God is craving your broken spirit. Jesus is a gentleman, He will be gentle with it, if you give Him your permission to have it.
I wanna post a prayer for anyone that is afraid to completely surrender and let their guard down. If you are hurting, feeling rejected, blocking everyone out of your life or simply cannot trust anyone, I encourage you to say this prayer aloud and be willing to let God crumble the walls within you, for His hands to access your broken heart.
Dear Lord, I am so broken right now. I don’t want to trust anyone, I am hurting. Come into my life today Lord with your special touch. Keep me a peace that surpasses all understanding. Touch my spirit in a way that I begin to feel the walls crumble down. Crumble every wall of hatred, hurt, rejection, anxiety and heal every callous that aches my soul. Surround me with your love. Teach me how to love you. Take my guard down Father because I truly want to be free. Teach me how to be open with you in ways I never imagined I could. Speak to my spirit about Your gentleness and unconditional love. Free me, Lord. In Jesus Name, amen.
More about lament…