Tag Archive | Beautiful

A New Breed

Hey everyone! I’m writing a little unrhyming poetry on something that was on my spirit last night. I find that now adays, there’s such difference in the way I relate to people. Like, there are very few people on that relatable level. So I was inspired to write this to just be vulnerable about how I feel very different from people sometimes, but I still embrace being unique. It’s a little different than what I usually write, but I hope you enjoy it!

A New Breed

I’m a new breed of human. And that’s not to sound weird. 

Everywhere I look though, people of similar relatablility are yet to be found.

It’s like they sense my uniqueness, and are turned away, uninterested maybe.

Unique, passionate and full of soul & culture.

On fire for God, His Princess, Royalty. 

I have yet to find someone that understands, 

Even a quarter what I say. If I did, I would be good. 

I don’t question if I’m unique or hate the fact I am the way I am.

Secretly though, I wish I could find the tribe of “misfits” similar to myself.

As I said, the “uniqueness” that I refer to are not weird passions, or odd interests.

But simply a life of serving God and embracing life’s beauty, diversity and God’s creativity. 
Living as a new breed means being set apart.

The trials that come with being set apart is having to walk the road alone sometimes, most of the time.

Endurance, perserverance, and above all… strength.

A graceful woman and a soulful spirit. 

I’m passionate about things that the world sees as foreign.

I am in love with cultures that are not my own, and embrace them beautifully. 

In all honestly, I have become apart of culture myself as I daily grow through it passionately. 

What I am about, I hope to find in another one day.

But in this new breed…

With a population of 1, at least that I know,

They don’t exist… do they?

If they do, welcome to my…our world. 

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Purely Rare & Set Apart

I reminisce on my high school days. I was a set apart woman, well teenager for God. But in the days I spent sitting on a brick planter reading my bible during lunch, I became a stronger Christian. I felt like I was being equipped for greater. All of my “peers” around me talking about what happened last night, falling all over each other seeing how far they can go with each other in the court yards. It was hard not to crave intimacy when you’re constantly walking past the middle of the action. I had to refocus a lot. What did I desire?
Temporary pleasure, or lasting intimacy that only God could provide.

I grew closer to God during my high school years. I found my worth and value. I began understanding what purpose a woman of God had. I wasn’t solely a Christian, I was a Daughter of the Most High. It was those lonely nights of isolation that actually gravitated me closer to God. He always showed me His hidden mysterious and built me up in His sweet promises. My Father chose me to love… that’s breathtaking. I am so amazed. I so desire to be in those years again because they were truly beautiful. I love the fact that God spared me, protected me and hid me. I wouldn’t be as beautifully broken and built up in my faith, if it hadn’t been for those 4 years of preparation.

I am a jewel. I never viewed myself above what I should, but the scripture made it plan and clear how precious I am to my Father. But goodness, how can I be wrong for claiming and representing it? I longed to be valued by that. I believed I was strong enough to make it on my own, but being protected was one of the numerous ways I received love. And God knew that. I didn’t have a boyfriend or friends for that matter. I had to do things on my own a lot, and that’s mostly why I ate lunch alone. I thought it was because of something; at first it didn’t make sense that I was this beautiful person, yet people wanted nothing to do with me. And then my Father whispered His sweet thoughts to me. “I have set you apart, beautiful.”

In my mind I thought that only meant God viewed me a lot differently than others. Not that I was shown favoritism, but I understood that I did have great favor from my Father because I chose to walk in His ways. All true… but, the part of the set apart anointing was being put to the side for God. He wanted me to be hidden especially for Him. And again that went back to me being protected because God KNEW He had so much more for my life than what the high school experience had to offer. God chose to prepare me during those crucial years of influence to prepare me for what I am now. A strong woman of faith who is a prayer warrior with a set apart anointing.

Oh my Heavenly Father, I want to experience years like those again. I want revival again, I desire those dreams I always use to have. Sometimes twenty times a day. I am a dreamer, but I need your vision. God, to be honest, I want to experience you all over again. The fire has dimmed, but I ask that You’d ignite it and make it flame. I want to go on this journey with You and experience You like never before. Especially during the valleys. We grow so close when we go through the times of just You and I. You and I. You and I. Those words are so special to me. I may not be young like I used to, and I’ll never get those years back. I am grateful for what You showed me when I was younger. And I believe what I’m asking is that You would recreate that relationship again; where I wouldn’t miss you opportunities with you. I want to spend that time with You again. Remember Jesus, when we would have our date nights. People thought it sounded crazy. But during our time, You would pursue me. And I would praise You for how wonderful You were. I want that again, and as I go throughout this new season of my life, I pray you show up and show out like never before. Thank You for this new anointing, new identity in You, new passion, new dreams, new trials, new tests of faith, new creation, new things and a fulfilled testinmony.

I am purely rare, created by You O’ God.

Faking Fine: Crumbling Walls

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Dear Friend…

Aren’t you tired? I know I am…I’m tired of pretending everything is alright.

Stay tuned because after this, I know I can help you stop pretending. I’m going to break it down, and tell you how up until now, I’ve been faking fine:

“All the how are you’s?, followed by I’m good… All of those responses were simply reassurances that they wouldn’t have to ask much further. I could sense it was the time they didn’t have; casual talk just to make sure the acquaintanceship was maintained. That’s what is real. And really how I’ve felt, not good at all, because this buildup has created me to have breakdowns. Mixtures of feeling overlooked, being taken advantage of, not being heard. I hear everyone else opening up, crying out ‘I’m hurting’ and somehow help is on the way for them. Where is my rescuer? Who has ever tried to be there for me and understand? I’ve shown my heart to others but yet they couldn’t take the time to just sit down and LISTEN… Listen…not hearing. Hearing is pretty much tied to asking me how I am, it’s when they don’t have the time. Sit down and really dig deep. Everyone seems to think I’m so closed up, but I’m really not. I just require a little extra assurance that I know you’re going to try to understand. I haven’t been good for a while, but I put on a smile in hopes to hide it from those who simply couldn’t do anything with it. Yes I’m good, go on your way, because you won’t be willing to offer what I need. I’m not okay, but apparently the tears that I’ve cried, you have seen. I don’t understand why you overlooked. But that goes to prove my point…you couldn’t offer what I needed. Just a little extra effort. A little extra work. Honestly, it’s all assurance. Keep pushing, because that’s all I want to do is open up. It’s a test though, to see how in tune you will stay, then I can determine if I can trust you. Will you, though? That’s all I can say.”

It’s taken me over 5 years to finally open up about how I’ve felt. Transparency… that is a hard word to swallow. I’ve only know a few people that have been able to express themselves openly about what they’re going through. Some spoke, some wrote it out. Well, to me, both of those were impossible because I felt like I had walls guarding my mouth from speaking. Was it fear? Most certainly, if it wasn’t, I would have been able to speak about this a whole lot sooner. I have been wanting to write out my heart for a few months now, but it was broken for a time. Even writing in a journal made me feel like I would have the memory of the pain all over paper. It doesn’t make sense to most people. Though for me faking fine has been a stronghold. It wasn’t until I started reading a book that began to open my eyes about what I was going through. I will list it at the end of this post.

I’ve been fighting transparency for years. And kind of how I wrote above, it’s been because of people. I haven’t been too sure if people would care to know if I was certainly hurting. I mean, I cried in church at the altar and I saw everyone around me being embraced…but me. I would tell others I wasn’t doing okay and they seemed to think that was a cue not to respond. It was frustrating for years because I grew so angry. The end conclusion: no one cares. I am not going to try and open up when all they do is never offer support. That became the cause of a rejected spirit and the walls stayed up for quite some time. I couldn’t process trust anymore, and deep down I wanted to.

But, I feel all that is changing now because I’m learning how to be more transparent now. I experienced anxiety for a while there but I’m so finished with it. I don’t want to suffer from that anymore. The only way I’ve learned to get help from it is guidance and lament with God. Transparency is NOT a bad things.

I recently started reading this book called No More Faking Fine by Esther Fleece, so obviously that’s what inspired the title. Esther sheds so much light on her experiences of feeling rejected when she was younger and how she built up walls that eventually led her further and further from God. As I was reading she mentioned a word lament that happens to be a prayer. Esther explained that lament is “a prayer woven throughout Scripture, but more than a prayer, it is the unexpected pathway to true intimacy with God.” All of that to say, we can have real talk with God through lament. After reading that, I went to my room in a little bit of fear. This book is telling me it’s okay to be open with God, but how far can I go? I always thought questioning God with “Why me?” and other of sort wasn’t okay. I thought God would be mad if I was to question His sovereignty and His plans. How wrong was I….as I sat there, I began to just pray. With a week that consisted of having a few breakdowns, I just cried. I told God how I didn’t understand why I was abandoned. I didn’t understand why I was left, why it feels like no one wants to check in with me when I’m going through things. Every possible thing that came to mind I just released. I still felt resistance as I began opening myself up to vulnerability.

All of these walls I had built up, I said I wouldn’t trust anyone because people weren’t trustworthy. At times, I wished there was an exact cloned version of me that could be my best friend and the one I could trust. Another version of me I know wouldn’t disappoint me. Anyways, as I resisted praying/lamenting anymore of my feelings, I felt as if God wanted me to step out just a little more in boldness; simply by crying, expressing my thoughts even more in detail, saying exacting how I felt instead of tip toeing around the issue. The release was…amazing. No condemnation, God didn’t strike me with lightning because I told him EXACTLY how I felt. He embraced me, grieved with me, but above all comforted me.

So again, I want to ask, are you tired? Are you full of fear and doubt? Have you carried a rejected spirit around with you? God sees that in you, precious child of God. He understands your pain. Rest in that, if you cannot rest in anything else.

Scripture says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” (Proverbs 4:23). We are to guard our hearts from allowing certain things in. But the Bible is not telling us to be guarded up against the world. It’s telling us to keep our heart guarded from evil and ungodly things.

Rejection is not lurking around every corner…and as hard as it is to believe, people are not always out to get us. It took me a long while to grasp that concept. But the more I pulled back from people, the harder it is to open up because you are so drowned with fear. The moment I became honest with God, first off, I was able to be honest with others. I told them how I was really doing. I stopped hiding the pain, and opened up to allow God to come in. He proved to be trustworthy. I knew He wasn’t going to be the one to hurt me as people have. And that’s the last point I want to make. The more you begin putting up walls, the further you are going to distance yourself up from God and other people; don’t mind other people so much. Because if God is the way you are so far away from, there’s a problem. You won’t be able to have that comfort in your life. I encourage you to begin reading Psalms and Proverbs and just allow God’s love to surround you. Get you a journal, create a blog or even get a voice recorder where you can be completely honest about what you are going through. Get it out of your heart somehow. Find your transparency. Focus on pouring out in prayer, don’t worry about praying perfection. Lament, cry, scream, whatever you need to do; but be open with God, because after you do you’ll experience such a release. Finally, you’ll feel like you don’t have to have it all together. We have an all perfect God, so we don’t have to play that role that is already His. Just come to Him….And don’t let the lies creep in that you cannot say what you feel, because God is craving your broken spirit. Jesus is a gentleman, He will be gentle with it, if you give Him your permission to have it.

I wanna post a prayer for anyone that is afraid to completely surrender and let their guard down. If you are hurting, feeling rejected, blocking everyone out of your life or simply cannot trust anyone, I encourage you to say this prayer aloud and be willing to let God crumble the walls within you, for His hands to access your broken heart.

Dear Lord, I am so broken right now. I don’t want to trust anyone, I am hurting. Come into my life today Lord with your special touch. Keep me a peace that surpasses all understanding. Touch my spirit in a way that I begin to feel the walls crumble down. Crumble every wall of hatred, hurt, rejection, anxiety and heal every callous that aches my soul. Surround me with your love. Teach me how to love you. Take my guard down Father because I truly want to be free. Teach me how to be open with you in ways I never imagined I could. Speak to my spirit about Your gentleness and unconditional love. Free me, Lord. In Jesus Name, amen.

More about lament…

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/evangelicalpulpit/2017/01/5-things-need-know-lament/

The Unwanted One Pt.1: Addressing Rejection

“The exhausting manipulation and control it takes to protect an identity based on circumstances will crush our hearts and hide the best of who we are behind a wall of insecurity.” ~Lysa TerKerust

I came across this quote from Lysa TerKeurst’s new book, Uninvited. It wasn’t coincidental at all that this book came in the right amount of time, because this month has drove me to the darkest parts of my soul and I can’t even begin to understand how I got to the level of emotion that I have felt. All roads lead back to that word… rejection. What I don’t want to write is where I vent all my feelings, but I explain the roots of these deep scars that I have in order to begin a healing process that can not only help myself, but help other people to dig deeper into the mental and emotional bondage that they are experiencing.

The scars of being rejected come from many different circumstances, but I will explain those shortly. The only way I can truly identify with my personal rejection is being trapped in a mute body. I have life in me, I have so much that I want to do with my life and accomplish but somehow I have become convinced that I am not good enough. Isn’t that what rejection stems from? Lack of worth and identity crisis? Everyone wants acceptance, but there has to be root of not feeling that somewhere in the heart.

In my personal experience, rejection wasn’t often verbal. It was all action based…I guess the phrase “Actions speak louder than words” is really the real deal. Based on actions, you can understand intentions and motives. So the ways I perceived acceptance was based around whether or not others wanted to be around me; if they would take time out to hear what I was going through; through words of affirmation/actions. I hope that explains everything a little better…basically acceptance comes through people. That’s the way I had understood it to be.

The time when rejection hit its hardest was in high school when I began to walk alone with God. I didn’t fit in with my classmates, I didn’t have but one friend that I barely had genuine connection with. I began to feel unaccepted by outside family members and church people. I didn’t understand the isolation. I started feeling unwanted by other people because I wasn’t embraced or accepted; and then came to terms with questioning my image, my worth, if I was loved and if I would ever be loved the way that I heard pastors talk about.

Rejection was composed of the fear that one day you will wake up, and you’ll lose every good thing you tried so hard to keep. But it’s also the fear of wondering if you had ever been good enough in the first place to have it… When you don’t understand that your worth is solely rooted in Christ, you will begin to question how important you really are. As a creation of God, you deserve good things! You need to be able to come to terms with that. Believe me, I think I have thought of every reason why I should completely stay in my shell and not open up my heart in any relationships or to the Lord. Another word from the book, TerKeurst says that “the mind feasts on what it focuses on. What consumes my thinking will be the making or breaking of my identity”

I’ve heard plenty of “reassuring” cliches that tell you how God loves you, and that it is good enough. But you have to be willing to ask God to show you His love for you instead of simply believing it. You need receive it in order to experience it.

With all of that being said, I believe there is a healing process to these scars of not measuring up and being always feeling rejected. A few things you have to come to understanding with:

  • Even though I don’t feel accepted to the world, do I understand that my God accepts me? 
  • Will I receive His love and allow Him to expose the toughest parts of my heart?
  • Do I want to change? Do I want restoration/healing in my life? Will I trust God as my Comforter?

Part 2 coming soon…until then meditate on these few scriptures this week. As you begin to focus on negative thoughts and dwell on feeling unloved, know that you are loved by the God who created the Universe. His ways are not like the ways of humans. And He welcomes you with open arms…ask Him to embrace you in them. You are ACCEPTED!

Psalm 94:14 “For the LORD will not reject his people; he will never forsake his inheritance.

Psalm 34:17-20

The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them;
    he delivers them from all their troubles.
18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
    and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

19 The righteous person may have many troubles,
    but the Lord delivers him from them all;
20 he protects all his bones,
    not one of them will be broken.

 

True Beauty in Christ

I wake up and look in the mirror. And wonder, who am I? Am I BEAUTIFUL? Theres something wrong with my hair, my figure, my face… Where can I find my true identity? What is beauty?

One thing I have always stuck by is knowing that I AM BEAUTIFUL! I don’t need the media to tell me my worth. Or a guy to critique God’s art.

I just wonder how the Lord made me. Did he paint the freckles? Sculpt my hands. Draw my eyes. Speak my heartbeat.  Breath life into my nostrils. Its the beauty of His art.

I look around and see confusion. I see a gorgeous woman judging her inner self by what her outer apperance looks like. I’m not beautiful because I wear makeup. I’m not important because I wear designer clothes. I can’t have a husband because I don’t look a certain way.

God had a masterpiece in mind. He took his hands and created me. No blueprint, no drawn map. God KNEW me. He knew me by name.when I was in my mothers wound. I was predestined to bring glory to His Name. The Almighty God created me to fulfill HIS purpose, to bring enjoyment to Him!!

I know that even if a man does not tell me I’m beautiful… The Creator of the Universe says I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am His princess and His Beauty Queen. My true beauty is what reflects my Beautiful Lord Jesus Christ. I am my Beloved’s. Crowned with Purpose. I am beautitul. My identity is found in Christ.   

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