Tag Archive | #healing

The Absent Father

I had this crazy revelation today as I was sitting in church. Yesterday was Father’s day as everyone knows. And my pastor had asked a few of the men church leaders to get in front of the congregation and share about their experiences with being a Christian father. Very good stories had been shared as a few men talked about how their father wasn’t in their lives much, but eventually discovered God was their Father and He was able to show them what it meant to be a Godly father. They came to actuality that their kids watch their every move and how they needed to become better examples to some of their children. My father had also spoke about his experience being raised up in a Christian home, serving in the church and having his dad show him how to work hard. He began to get very emotional as he explained how his goal was to raise his girls (my sister and I) in a Godly home, teach us how to work and also to serve the Lord. It was a very beautiful Father’s day service that surpassed greater meaning than any sermon that could have happened on Father’s Day.

I began pondering upon my earliest thoughts from this week and also thoughts during church service yesterday. I recently had my family come to visit me this week and I had a lot on my mind about growing deeper relationships with everyone. As well as what it really means to have a father in my life because a relative of mine had recently lost his father 3 years ago this year.

My heart filled with sadness and also surprise as God brought an interesting thought to mind. This is what I felt as I thought about the absence of several father’s in our “family tree”: “Pretty much all of the family on my mom’s side of the family has lost their fathers and daddies to some cause of death; whether it’d be physical sickness, alcoholism, or being shot. My next thought shifted to my dad’s side of the father. I wondered what fathers were missing on my dad’s family but I couldn’t think of any. That’s when God gave me a second revelation on how there aren’t any fathers missing on my dad’s side, so what was it then? (My grandfather, all uncles and my father were all still alive). What I did get from that revelation, though, was that many of the men on my dad’s side were not physically absent but mentally and more even emotionally absent in their kids lives. Sure, they worked and provided for their families. They raised kids to become successful, but they had not been their emotionally to give their children real fatherhood that they needed. This is not a blog post to discredit any of the men in my family. But the truth of the matter is after sitting in church yesterday and hearing about the physical absence of fathers’ in so many lives of young struggling boys…mental and emotional absence also has an affect on a child. I am in no place to say which one is greater or smaller impact on a child because I believe everyone is wired very differently in the way that they are affected emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically. Point blank, psychologically we cannot limit a person’s dealing to this or that. I am just heart broken though. Because I have seen the upbringing of several different relatives in my family. I see the way deaths have hurt my mom’s side of the family as well as I’ve also seen how lack of needs being met in the lives of babies to grown children on my dad’s side.

Photo credit to themattwalshblog.com

I left church very grateful yesterday. As I’ve expressed many times, I was heart broken because what affects my family most definitely affects me. But I grew thankful in a way I never have before; to understand that my dad is still in my life. Though he is not perfect and is growing in ways to become a better father and meet the needs of his family, I have seen growth in him. That’s something a few of my family members will never be able to see from their deceased fathers or from their fathers who don’t care enough to emotionally be there to support their children. I wrote this to say…God is good! First off, He has been the Father I’ve always needed. I always try to acknowledge him each year for how great He has been to me. I am an extremely imperfect daughter that tries to abound in His presence regularly. What my earthly father cannot even give me, thank the Lord that God above has been able to supply and satisfy every need/desire and fill every void in my heart. Also, I have grown to a deeper appreciation of my earthly father because I am aware of the impact of not having a father can cause a person. There have been times when I suffered from the lack of emotional support from my own father. But I praise God because I see him seeking God daily in order to grow as a Godly husband, father, leader and provider. I am grateful to God because I don’t think he would be growing so much in faith and fatherhood if God hadn’t stepped in and showed him how to take the lead. It’s been a test of faith and much prayers, and there’s still growth. Don’t give up on your fathers, y’all. One day you’ll be surprised what your prayers can actually do. My prayers happened in the spread through a few years, but God is faithful.

Please check out my blog below. I wrote this shortly after this one because I was inspired to write a letter to my future husband and future husband as it pertains to fatherhood.


God’s Word to Me: Lioness Arise

The Lord: “You are free….those simple words you said last night. They destroyed anxiety, fear and uncertainty. Doubt is dead. Bondage is no longer chained on you. I have set you free….
Now. You are a woman of faith. Remember what I revealed to you last night. Don’t go away from My Word. Hold on tighter this time. I have equipped you to make it through. The trail of this valley is almost over. Keep going strong, end strong. You have My Word, and there is nothing that should waver your faith now. I will guide you through as I have always.

 This time, nothing is going to take your faith away. You are fully capable to withstand the rest of these enemies through me. I’m fighting your battle. We are going to make it through together.  But this time, you aren’t relying on your own strength. You are weak, and you know that. My Power is the only thing thats going to get you through, and through the rest of your life. You are restored. Your faith is restored. And I am restoring what I started long ago. Something new and beautiful, beyond your wildest expectancy. Stay close Daughter, I got this…

Roar, Queen. Roar…

Photo credit to 500px.com

God’s Word to Me: The Beauty in Surrender

“My Precious Daughter. You have not know me like you have before. You’ve viewed me as a Master, but not your Father. I don’t take away anything that is good for you. I bless you with good things. Right now, your situation is out of your control. In order for Me to do my work, you need to take your hands off. I have to have your sole trust and faith in Me, alone.”

I began surrendering to my Father. No more anxiety, no more fear. Just praise, just worship. All dependence on Him. I trust You, Lord. You will be forever praised.

“My Daughter, you’re beginning to see me for who I am. I love you, beyond words could amount. This storm was meant for you to grow closer to Me. Day after day, I’m breaking you, molding you. You are becoming beautifully broken. Do not shy away from discomfort because you’re afraid. I am with you through it all. As you draw closer to Me, chains are being broken. At the end of this storm, you won’t be afraid any longer. Timidness and anxiety must leave. I’m rising you up, as a Warrior. There’s a new fight in you that’s never been there before.  

Surrender all of your worries to Me. Am I not God? I spoke the universe into existence with my words. I created life from dust. How can your problems be anymore complex? I am God…who is ABLE to do exceedingly and abundantly great, BIG things. Don’t limit me. Surely it will all be confirmed to you. Signs, wonders, deliverance. If you will make it a priority to seek me daily, I will begin to display my power to you. You will see your circumstances through spiritual eyes. Walking by faith, not based upon your sight and what things look like. Look through supernatural eyes. Claim what I already said I gave you. You are my Daughter, and I love you so dearly. Trust in Me, I won’t fail you. I’m not like people who have hurt you, I am God, so disregard the expectations that you seek from people, because only I can fulfill what you crave for.”

I surrender daily, and fear and anxiety have begun leaving me. I have chosen not to hold onto my struggles, for I have no control. But my God does. He already has taken care of me. I feel stronger everyday, it’s becoming easier to trust the plans He has for my life. I worry less, I fear no more. I hold tight to the promise He has given to me. I will walk through this storm untouched.

“Surrender daily. Seek My face. I will not disappoint you…Wait and see. For I have things you have never imagined you’d have.”

Faking Fine: Crumbling Walls


Dear Friend…

Aren’t you tired? I know I am…I’m tired of pretending everything is alright.

Stay tuned because after this, I know I can help you stop pretending. I’m going to break it down, and tell you how up until now, I’ve been faking fine:

“All the how are you’s?, followed by I’m good… All of those responses were simply reassurances that they wouldn’t have to ask much further. I could sense it was the time they didn’t have; casual talk just to make sure the acquaintanceship was maintained. That’s what is real. And really how I’ve felt, not good at all, because this buildup has created me to have breakdowns. Mixtures of feeling overlooked, being taken advantage of, not being heard. I hear everyone else opening up, crying out ‘I’m hurting’ and somehow help is on the way for them. Where is my rescuer? Who has ever tried to be there for me and understand? I’ve shown my heart to others but yet they couldn’t take the time to just sit down and LISTEN… Listen…not hearing. Hearing is pretty much tied to asking me how I am, it’s when they don’t have the time. Sit down and really dig deep. Everyone seems to think I’m so closed up, but I’m really not. I just require a little extra assurance that I know you’re going to try to understand. I haven’t been good for a while, but I put on a smile in hopes to hide it from those who simply couldn’t do anything with it. Yes I’m good, go on your way, because you won’t be willing to offer what I need. I’m not okay, but apparently the tears that I’ve cried, you have seen. I don’t understand why you overlooked. But that goes to prove my point…you couldn’t offer what I needed. Just a little extra effort. A little extra work. Honestly, it’s all assurance. Keep pushing, because that’s all I want to do is open up. It’s a test though, to see how in tune you will stay, then I can determine if I can trust you. Will you, though? That’s all I can say.”

It’s taken me over 5 years to finally open up about how I’ve felt. Transparency… that is a hard word to swallow. I’ve only know a few people that have been able to express themselves openly about what they’re going through. Some spoke, some wrote it out. Well, to me, both of those were impossible because I felt like I had walls guarding my mouth from speaking. Was it fear? Most certainly, if it wasn’t, I would have been able to speak about this a whole lot sooner. I have been wanting to write out my heart for a few months now, but it was broken for a time. Even writing in a journal made me feel like I would have the memory of the pain all over paper. It doesn’t make sense to most people. Though for me faking fine has been a stronghold. It wasn’t until I started reading a book that began to open my eyes about what I was going through. I will list it at the end of this post.

I’ve been fighting transparency for years. And kind of how I wrote above, it’s been because of people. I haven’t been too sure if people would care to know if I was certainly hurting. I mean, I cried in church at the altar and I saw everyone around me being embraced…but me. I would tell others I wasn’t doing okay and they seemed to think that was a cue not to respond. It was frustrating for years because I grew so angry. The end conclusion: no one cares. I am not going to try and open up when all they do is never offer support. That became the cause of a rejected spirit and the walls stayed up for quite some time. I couldn’t process trust anymore, and deep down I wanted to.

But, I feel all that is changing now because I’m learning how to be more transparent now. I experienced anxiety for a while there but I’m so finished with it. I don’t want to suffer from that anymore. The only way I’ve learned to get help from it is guidance and lament with God. Transparency is NOT a bad things.

I recently started reading this book called No More Faking Fine by Esther Fleece, so obviously that’s what inspired the title. Esther sheds so much light on her experiences of feeling rejected when she was younger and how she built up walls that eventually led her further and further from God. As I was reading she mentioned a word lament that happens to be a prayer. Esther explained that lament is “a prayer woven throughout Scripture, but more than a prayer, it is the unexpected pathway to true intimacy with God.” All of that to say, we can have real talk with God through lament. After reading that, I went to my room in a little bit of fear. This book is telling me it’s okay to be open with God, but how far can I go? I always thought questioning God with “Why me?” and other of sort wasn’t okay. I thought God would be mad if I was to question His sovereignty and His plans. How wrong was I….as I sat there, I began to just pray. With a week that consisted of having a few breakdowns, I just cried. I told God how I didn’t understand why I was abandoned. I didn’t understand why I was left, why it feels like no one wants to check in with me when I’m going through things. Every possible thing that came to mind I just released. I still felt resistance as I began opening myself up to vulnerability.

All of these walls I had built up, I said I wouldn’t trust anyone because people weren’t trustworthy. At times, I wished there was an exact cloned version of me that could be my best friend and the one I could trust. Another version of me I know wouldn’t disappoint me. Anyways, as I resisted praying/lamenting anymore of my feelings, I felt as if God wanted me to step out just a little more in boldness; simply by crying, expressing my thoughts even more in detail, saying exacting how I felt instead of tip toeing around the issue. The release was…amazing. No condemnation, God didn’t strike me with lightning because I told him EXACTLY how I felt. He embraced me, grieved with me, but above all comforted me.

So again, I want to ask, are you tired? Are you full of fear and doubt? Have you carried a rejected spirit around with you? God sees that in you, precious child of God. He understands your pain. Rest in that, if you cannot rest in anything else.

Scripture says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” (Proverbs 4:23). We are to guard our hearts from allowing certain things in. But the Bible is not telling us to be guarded up against the world. It’s telling us to keep our heart guarded from evil and ungodly things.

Rejection is not lurking around every corner…and as hard as it is to believe, people are not always out to get us. It took me a long while to grasp that concept. But the more I pulled back from people, the harder it is to open up because you are so drowned with fear. The moment I became honest with God, first off, I was able to be honest with others. I told them how I was really doing. I stopped hiding the pain, and opened up to allow God to come in. He proved to be trustworthy. I knew He wasn’t going to be the one to hurt me as people have. And that’s the last point I want to make. The more you begin putting up walls, the further you are going to distance yourself up from God and other people; don’t mind other people so much. Because if God is the way you are so far away from, there’s a problem. You won’t be able to have that comfort in your life. I encourage you to begin reading Psalms and Proverbs and just allow God’s love to surround you. Get you a journal, create a blog or even get a voice recorder where you can be completely honest about what you are going through. Get it out of your heart somehow. Find your transparency. Focus on pouring out in prayer, don’t worry about praying perfection. Lament, cry, scream, whatever you need to do; but be open with God, because after you do you’ll experience such a release. Finally, you’ll feel like you don’t have to have it all together. We have an all perfect God, so we don’t have to play that role that is already His. Just come to Him….And don’t let the lies creep in that you cannot say what you feel, because God is craving your broken spirit. Jesus is a gentleman, He will be gentle with it, if you give Him your permission to have it.

I wanna post a prayer for anyone that is afraid to completely surrender and let their guard down. If you are hurting, feeling rejected, blocking everyone out of your life or simply cannot trust anyone, I encourage you to say this prayer aloud and be willing to let God crumble the walls within you, for His hands to access your broken heart.

Dear Lord, I am so broken right now. I don’t want to trust anyone, I am hurting. Come into my life today Lord with your special touch. Keep me a peace that surpasses all understanding. Touch my spirit in a way that I begin to feel the walls crumble down. Crumble every wall of hatred, hurt, rejection, anxiety and heal every callous that aches my soul. Surround me with your love. Teach me how to love you. Take my guard down Father because I truly want to be free. Teach me how to be open with you in ways I never imagined I could. Speak to my spirit about Your gentleness and unconditional love. Free me, Lord. In Jesus Name, amen.

More about lament…


Stranded In The Desert…Isolation with God

Search me, Lord…Reveal anything that is corrupt in my heart. Destroy my insecurities.

Be my refuge, be my strength. Be my everything. Wipe every tear that streams from my eyes. Caress me thru this lonely season I am experiencing Lord. Make me strong out of it Father.

I figure it’s going to be a little longer before I’m completely out of it. For so long I have been standing alone, even today I stand isolated in the desert…Oh Lord, but I realize that I am not alone because of You. Your Word says you will never forsake me, God I won’t wonder this desert all by myself, because I know I have you to guide me as I feel lost.I don’t understand it, or why I’m going through it… But help me understand what it is I need to learn from it. Spare me some living water and breath so I can make it through, take away these tears so I can see the path that’s ahead.

Questions cross my mind. Why am I like this? Am I too emotional…Lord, am I not handling myself right? I probably should forget it all and just pull together, toughen up. The insecurities are trying to get this best of me…I’m drowning not to give in.

This season is called winter, it’s cold, and it feels unbearable. But in your arms I understand that you are warmth. You are enabling to feel whole again. Fill me up and piece me back together. Please make me whole.

In Your Arms is where I find my comfort and my strength. I find wholeness and I find love. Protect me Father, just guard my heart right now so I can continue being healed as You strength me.

Psalms 139:1-5 ~~”You have searched me, Lord , and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord , know it completely. You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me.”

Psalms 141:1-2 ~~ “I call to you, Lord , come quickly to me; hear me when I call to you. May my prayer be set before you like incense; may the lifting up of my hands be like the evening sacrifice.”